Monday, June 28, 2010

It's Another Day

Today’s one of those days where I feel really down, exhausted and vexed all at the same time.

The weekend was another whirlwind of activities as we try to complete a list of ‘to-dos’ which we couldn’t attend to during the weekdays. It always leaves me feeling drained on a Monday and makes me vow to slow things down during weekends, but I know full well that things will be the same again when the weekend arrives. Because with my husband’s gruelling hours – if he comes home by 9pm, it’s considered early - many things just have to be left to the weekends.

Then with some deadlines looming ahead and yet I can’t get down to work because I have to take care of Kenan, I feel really vexed. Making it worse is the forgetful helper who keeps repeating the same mistakes. She not only drives me up the wall, at the rate it's going, I think I can scale Mount Everest already.

I yearn for the time not so long ago when life was much simpler and there were fewer responsibilities. I miss being able to fully devote my time and attention to my work (I really love what I do for a living); I miss having my own study room that is now taken over by my mom and helper; I miss going out on dates with my hubby and going for short getaways on a whim; I miss shopping for clothes and shoes instead of baby stuff. The list can go on and on. Basically, I just miss the freedom I had before I was a mommy. It makes me feel really down.

No doubt Kenan has brought me lots of joy and allow me to experience womanhood more fully. But it comes at a huge sacrifice, and something that I realise I wasn’t truly prepared for and something I’m struggling with ever so often.

I just hope that with some sleep, I will feel better. God help me.


jochan said...

Every now and then, we will find ourselves being robbed of our own personal time by the constant needs of the little baby. Do not feel guilty thinking that but do not feel too vexed about it either. Because it will all go away as soon as he smiles at you again.

Ruth Wong said...

It's true, when he smiles at me, all the unhappiness melts away! Yet I still crave my personal space and time. Wish there's 48 hours in a day!


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