Saturday, June 25, 2011

No. 2: To Have or Not to Have?

I'm feeling torn. The hubby and I have been discussing if we should have a second kid and I find myself vacilating ever so often between "Yes, it will be great for Kenan to have a sibling" and "No, I seriously don't think I can cope with another one".

Looking after Kenan has been a huge challenge, especially during the early months where unlike many of my friends, I don't have mom, mom-in-law or siblings to turn to for help (well, the mom-in-law did for a very short while until we had some misunderstandings and I decided that I'll not risk further unhappiness).

So besides the domestic helper, I'm mostly on my own. That's why I turn to mommy forums alot for advice and support, and that's also partly why I'm here on this blog, hoping to get advice from visitors to this tiny virtual corner of mine (to every reader who takes time to respond to my posts, I just want to let you know that I really appreciate every single comment from you! It's been really encouraging!).

Thankfully, the hubby has changed job this year so that gives him better work life balance and he's able to help out more at home now. That gives me a bit more assurance that perhaps somehow, I'll be able to cope with another child. Still, I'm not sure.

Unfortunately for me, time is not on my side. I'm already in my 30s, so it's now or never.

But I feel like I'm doing such a lousy job with Kenan, what if I become worse with the second one? When I was pregnant with Kenan, I used to think I can be like one of those super moms who can manage it all - family, kids, career. After all, I'm a WAHM right and I have a helper too, it can't be that difficult. Yet I soon found that it's not easy juggling working from home and looking after a kid, as well as supervising a helper - boy! that alone can be such a headache, sometimes I wish I can do away with her (unfortunately, for various reasons that I shan't mention here, I can't do without one).

I have a feeling though that in the end, I will probably try for another kid, because being an only child myself, I think it's best that he has a sibling - for companionship and for support. But I'm not sure how I will cope or if I can even cope. I worry that I'll end up regretting the decision - like how when I feel utterly stressed out coping with 101 things, I will sometimes wonder out loud to the hubby why I even agreed to have a kid in the first place.

See, there I go again. Maybe I'll just put aside all my fears and worries and let God decide?


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